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| things i am frustrated about.
a very messy house. i hatehatehatehateHATEhatehate when the house is disgusting. i dont understand people sometimes. and i am so determined not to clean it up since i didnt do it. it boggles my mind on how dirty some people can be and not be ashamed.
tuition. paying for our education is bullshit. especially when its going to get us in debt for ten years. i constantly worry about this. even after fafsa, its not good enough. i give props to people paying off their own college education. ok, i will give you this. i dont mind paying for college i guess. but i think its ridiculous to pay for classes that dont concern my major, paying for teachers that do not know ANYTHING, paying for advisors that DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING, paying for ugly campuses, & paying for a student to student fee(btw WHAT IS THAT???).
jobs. this goes along with the tuition i guess. money is such a big issue. i dont want to make excuses for myself, but i really cant find a job. and even if i did, schedules dont work out and i have no car (which is probably the biggest problem to my job search...)
relationships. with family, with friends, with significant others, with God. i think i am probably the worst person to ever be in a relationship with anyone. i am selfish. i am a hypocrite. i am compulsive. i am all about the conditional love to others only. i am just fed up with myself. i really do appreciate everyone in my life who still loves me, even after they get to know me.... i know its hard. pls be patient with me. maybe i will change...
sleep. i have had sleeping problems for awhile now. maybe on and off since highschool. today is a different story. i made the horrible mistake of sleeping for six hours during the day time.... so today doesnt count. but usually all these things are the reasons why i stay up for so long. i am consistently thinking,worrying about everything. i want a good night sleep. please sleep. i want you back in my life.
bodyweight. i wont be those stick skinny girls complaining about their weight insisting that they are HUUUUUUGE. i wont say that i am "fat", but i do have issues with my body (who doesnt?). but i guess i have been more concerned than usual lately. i had my glory moments when i lost a lot of weight. but then i had my depressing times when i gained 20 lbs (no exaggeration...unfortunately). i wont say that i gained THAT much weight, but it depresses me when i try to fit into my jeans and i cant. its a really bad feeling when you must change and go wear your sweatpants.
people. i can probably go on&on&on&on&on about this. i just dont get people. im sure i am a difficult person to be with, but sometimes.........................when people do/say certain things...... i just........ cant... stand.... it. im trying very hard to change my ways and try to accept people and not judge. but, sometimes their actions are too much. i feel like i am the last person to say anything, but at least i dont do half the things that other people do.
myself. i am very critical and regret so many things that i do in my life. i like to think of myself as a good person that everyone wants to be around. but i know its not true. i tend to get carried away, or too emotional, too sensitive, or too bitchy. i complain a lot (can you tell from this entry????????) and give people a hard time. i have a lot of bad qualities and i want to change them. but sometimes i think to myself, 'but those bad qualities make me, me. i dont want to change them...' for example. i am a mean sarcastic person. bad quality, but if i wasnt sarcastic, i feel like i would be fake. i dont know, i guess i am not explaining myself very well. just know that i want to change, its just hard to stay changed.
future relationships. im scared of how i might act like when he is gone. i am pretty extreme. either i would joke around about it and act like i love it. or be MIA and be depressed for several months. i am very bad at expressing my emotions the right way. i just wish life was easier. but i guess God had different plans for us.....
which leads me to my last frustration. God.
i say i am a christian. i say i believe in God. yet my actions tell a whole other story. i want to be able to have a relationship with God. i want to be able to not be ashamed to sing loud in church. i want to be able to be ON TIME for church. but, i just cant. I use the word God when i want to use it. I use it for good when i am happy in my life or hopeful. i use it for bad when my life is upside down. i know God answers us with a yes or a no, even a just wait.... i feel like the biggest reason why i have this anger towards God is because of my mom. I see her and think, ''What did my mom do to deserve all this hardship?" i get so angry with God when i ask something for my mom and nothing. i wait and wait. i know i am being selfish with my prayers, but i really cant stand to see this. and i really dont want to hear anymore people telling me to wait or a bible verse or that God will speak to me if i listen.
i will come around. i just need to let out some frustrations.
i am not a great writer. i just need some thoughts to be visible.
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| I am so self conscious when typing on this thing.... i told myself i would write in here and that was like..... a few months ago. I am not sure who still reads this, but yay you get to read my most inner personal thoughts! ha, maybe. i had this entry going on a few weeks ago, but i did not think it was worthy enough.... im so stressed about entertaining my audience (if there is one...) that i erased the whole thing.
well, here i am sitting in my room watching nick and norahs infinite playlist.. its the start of my spring break and yet i have so much to do. i have never been so stressed out .. the older i get, the more things i hate, which stresses me out like crazy. i dont know why my heart is so hateful... i can just stare at someone and immediately pick out three things i do not like about them. its not the fact that i do not like them, (or maybe... that might be it) but its the things that they do, wear, say that make me hate. but sometimes i think that my reasons to "hate" them are justified because when i tell other people about it, they agree with me. i mean come on, some people just do not have any substance or very one dimensional. hmmmmmm maybe my next entry will be all the things i hate.... im excited for that one :)
and i say i want to be a teacher... ha. what a great role model i will be.
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| Goals for Winterbreak 1.) Get my licensed renewed. yea, its been a year already but supposedly i wasnt able to drive for the past four years so what does another year do? and those lines..... oh god the lines..... 2.) Meet up with old friends. I am super bad at this. SUPER BAD. (super is such a weird word.. ok anyways) i always make empty promises or i just get too lazy. this winterbreak i will try harder. 3.) Lose some weight. I wont give a specific number because i never end up losing 5 lbs or 10 lbs or whatever i say. so even if i lose just 1 lbs at least i achieved my goal! 4.) Grow out my hair. I realize i cannot control the speed of growth of my hair. But i can control the hand with scissors that touch my hair. so no cutting. 5.) Have a good Christmas this year. i will NOT be a grinch................................this will be hard. 6.) WRITE MORE XANGA ENTRIES! side note: before writing this entry, i decided to read all my other entries. and wow, i gotta admit i am hilariously clever. what happened to my brain? i will try harder to use xanga.... but i get so self conscious having my thoughts out here to the world. i also feel pressured to entertain you guys. (well who is ever left reading xangas..) oh well... i will still do it.  | | |
| the next few years will be a time for me to suck it up and grow up. to tell you the truth, i never really gave a crap about college. i went through it, with a mind set to "barely pass" (if you could not tell from my previous entries). but now, God gave me a second chance. for some CRAZY reason, i got into the education program at UIC. which is amazing.. considering my gpa and essay. but i guess this is the path that God wants me to go. so now, for the next two years i have to seriously get my head straight. it sort of freaks me out. the idea that i will need to actually study and have my very own classroom soon. i have imagined myself as a teacher for so long, yet now that the time is coming soon... i feel like i cant do it. i feel like im going in a new chapter in my life. new roommates, new program, new mind set. hopefully i can do this. i reeeeeally hope i can do this. work hard. play hard. then work harder. | | |
| 1.) The man in the green van. If he didnt have his turn signal on for so damn long, perhaps I would have never hit him. And then i wouldnt have spent over 5 G's on my car and be named the "WORST DRIVER IN NAPERVILLE/AMERICA". 2.) Chemisty TA She had no idea what the hell she was doing. She had a nose ring and a black jacket as tall as her. She gave me attitude and purposely tried to give people a hard time because her life sucked. She made me cry everyday. I will forever hate chemistry. and because of her, my gpa sucks. (yes im the type of person to blame others). 3.) Jesse freakin White i dont have to say anything. i think everyone knows why i passionately hate him. 4.) MTV. Its like watching a car crash. You cant look away. I am addicted. I cant stop watching tv. I cant do anything else without watching tv. omg... tv consumes my life. damn you people of MTV. 5.) My laywer. even after 1,000 dollars and endless hours in court.. he still didnt fix my situation. so to this day... i have no liscense. which made my insurance higher and i never knew this for FOUR YEARS. | | |
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